What attracted me to Art Of Living?
initially curiosity and then Truth. Knowledge in form of course points.

What kept me going?
Weekly Kriya. heart touching knowledge and principles. I never understood or realized meaning of presence until lately.

What were those principles?
One world family. Belongingness with everyone.

what do I think today?
Principles sound sweeter in words and makes the one who speak feel magnanimous. That's where the journey ends.

Have I grown?
It's been 10 years. I have lost myself.
I want to be enthusiastic and take initiatives. Increase my confidence.

Parents and  Guru

I have discovered that I love my parents very dearly. They have loved me unconditionally, taken care of my needs despite the struggles in their own life, despite my tantrums and my immature mind.

They have been very loving. It took me a long time to realize the depth of love in a mother for her children, sacrifice she makes for her children every moment.

I want to feel the same for my father. He is such a gentle person, kind hearted and little forgetful with his memory. He has done so much for his kids.

I can't demand anything else from my parents.

I also have a guru who for some reason I am attracted and at various points, i feel very close to him and grateful for his knowledge. But at other times, I can't seem to understand him.
I demand from him but he does not answer.

I am very clear. I want to very enthusiastic and want to bring happiness in my presence.
It CANNOT involve art of living ways of doing things. It has to be my way, my creation of how I can bring happiness.

I am finding it very difficult to follow a set agenda on what to do and how to do. Some blocks come over and they choke me.   Don't question why. I don't have an answer.
I can't change an organization cultured by gurudev's way of doing things. I can't adopt them if I don't agree with them. Unfortunately organization would not let me know do things my way in their organization.

what are those principles?
a) Charge for the courses but amount discretion should be teacher's whether it is right or wrong per
     authority.
b)  Distinguish between growth of People vs Knowledge.
c)  Who is responsible for spiritual growth?

Have I grown?

It seems i have become calm. But in the moment of crisis, fear comes up.
I hesitate to share my opinions in public. Reluctant to voice my opinion. reluctant to share my enthusiasm. reluctant to take lead. I don't think knowledge can remove that reluctance.
It can best make you aware of reluctance through peacefulness.

I have become more intelligent. Intellectually intelligent. understand how emotions work, sensation work. But wiser have I become??

Wasted 10yrs of my life - i wish this question would never have come. I wish this curiousity would never have come.

Ultimate answer is there is no point for doing anything. Everybody is saying a lie and the louder it becomes, the real and truthful it sounds. They make money in return. Money buys you power, recognition and more power.


Where am i today?
- whatever I have become is not the state I want to be in and did not desire to be in. It is unenthusiastic, dull and miserable but calm.
- This path is sweet. People who lead are sweet. But there is no growth. You only understand things  better. that's all.
- I don't know why I want to give. It gives me joy. But world teaches you that you need to figure out a graceful way to get credit and recognition.. Important to being recognized. People listen to those who are recognized. Don't listen to those who mislead by saying - don't ask for recognition and serve.
Serve who. Serve how. they themselves could not have achieved without intending for recognition. Just look in their life and see what decisions they made and why they made. Success is sweet and power is perhaps sweeter.

- Every businessman is serving. every entrepreneur is serving. Yes money is the goal. That's the path of growth of doing bigger and better things.

- If I am not happy, how can i inspire others to be happy? Its difficult to be happy. Knowledge does not cut it. it;s like watching a comedy movie and it makes you laugh. You get in good spirits until next day.  Same thing with knowledge it pulls you out. But only for few hours. They say it's deep impression and it would go away. I am still waiting after 10yrs of my journey.


Again, Ultimate answer is there is no point for doing anything. Everybody is saying a lie and the louder it becomes, the real and truthful it sounds.

My conflict with my guru.

I am angry with him.  I am angry with him because his knowledge is not translating into reality for me in my life. Partly I, the mind, is not surrendering. But...

I, the mind, finds contradictions in art of living foundation and some of gurudev's teachings.

Preaching and implementation in his organization are contradictory.

If he cannot have it in his own organization, how can it become reality in world?

Preaching is impractical and is illusionary.

Selfless Service. We get to hear this a lot. When mind is miserable or you are in deep love, selfless service is the way to follow to becoming joyful. 

But when your mind is calmer, more centered then what you observe about organization and guru is not selfless service. It is just game of mind.

Foundation does not empower teachers. (none of activities in NYC is bottom up - everything is  directed towards organization courses and foundation activities). And everything is money oriented. There is a price for everything in organization except volunteer time. Whose growth? Organization's growth.

How should one develop own confidence in one's decision making if one is not allowed to make mistakes and not nurtured? how should one serve and develop one's own talents? Is it organization responsibility? No. But words of sweetness and use of cliches like we are family, belongingness make you feel that it was partly theirs. 

Gurudev says best volunteer does not ask for recognition. And when volunteer needs something(say a discount on course), he has to run pillar to post in this own organization - because no one knows he/she was working at backend. 

We say that this organization is a family. Only to make someone work for this organization and do seva. And 90% of seva is towards organizing courses. family?  

One gets recognition if you give to world something new(but is coming from you.). i am just a parrot of teachings. I have a manual and It's a script for me to deliver. They are wonderful yet they are not mine. it makes someone else powerful and gives recognition to someone else. not me. why I am important? because there is authority in this world. one has to follow authority. Who becomes authority => who makes other believe that they are important! All people in authority are important. They are treated differently than a normal volunteer. Walk like a servant and be a perfect servant is what volunteer is. Same senior teachers treat a guru with a different feeling than a volunteer with them. Guru is up and volunteer is down. Love is in the dustbin and only in words to make someone work for one's goals in art of living.

Gurudev left his own guru(maharishi) to start his organization. why Gurudev did not serve Maharishi all the life? Selfless service? Unconditional love for the guru?

I am unable to do that. I am struggling. that's my conflict. It has taken too long now. I have dropped everything - even the activity - because i don't understand. A clueless, confused soul is what i have become.

Conflict in mind, anger in heart and confusion in action is where I am at this moment.