Being grateful - it needs to come out of your own willingness

In the last couple of days, small events made me realize to feel grateful. It made me feel at peace and become aware of complaining mind.

I have been given eyes, ears to listen and see. My body is working fine. I have loving parents.
I have very few friends but they are great. I have a guru.
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I fight with him a lot (mentally). I challenge his knowledge and his wisdom in my mind. I want his words to be my experience and not just give me hope which will never realize.
It has been over 10yrs and when I look back, I feel that I have missed my years to live life fully.
I had been waiting in hope and all good things to happen but it's not to be.  My understanding got a jolt. I have to act and take responsibility else time will pass.
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Spirituality does not necessarily imply something will change in me automatically. Willingness to change is necessary.

I fight with him. But he is in my thoughts most of the time.
- I asked for this help when I had a disorder. I feel he helped.
- I asked for his help whenever I had lot of fears in daily moments of life.  I think just remembering
   him gave me strength that he is with me and fears can pass.

I love you guruji. I guess I did not understand it. But I will make you feel proud of me. I want to take responsibility of my life and this world. Whatever you have given me, thank you. You did not need to. I started demanding from you and made you responsible for my state of mind.

Feeling grateful helped me coming out complaining mind.

I will write my thoughts everyday to be clear in my thoughts and feelings.

In 2012, I did TTC.  I enjoyed my time at TTC - in particular, i enjoyed doing seva. Being useful.
But i did not like anything about TTC sessions.

There was nothing to remember for me. Having faith on teacher was stressed quite a bit.

After 3 years, I am utterly confused in every aspect of my life.

why? I don't know.
If you ask me, what you like? I dont know.
If you ask me, what you want to do?  I don't know.
If you ask me, what will make you happy? I don't know.
If you tell me to do something, I will not feel confident.
If you tell me to be quickly respond, I will not be quick.
If you tell me to be part of organization and work for someone, I will resist.

This is after doing all the meditations.

What attracted me to Art Of Living?
initially curiosity and then Truth. Knowledge in form of course points.

What kept me going?
Weekly Kriya. heart touching knowledge and principles. I never understood or realized meaning of presence until lately.

What were those principles?
One world family. Belongingness with everyone.

what do I think today?
Principles sound sweeter in words and makes the one who speak feel magnanimous. That's where the journey ends.

Have I grown?
It's been 10 years. I have lost myself.
I want to be enthusiastic and take initiatives. Increase my confidence.

Parents and  Guru

I have discovered that I love my parents very dearly. They have loved me unconditionally, taken care of my needs despite the struggles in their own life, despite my tantrums and my immature mind.

They have been very loving. It took me a long time to realize the depth of love in a mother for her children, sacrifice she makes for her children every moment.

I want to feel the same for my father. He is such a gentle person, kind hearted and little forgetful with his memory. He has done so much for his kids.

I can't demand anything else from my parents.

I also have a guru who for some reason I am attracted and at various points, i feel very close to him and grateful for his knowledge. But at other times, I can't seem to understand him.
I demand from him but he does not answer.

I am very clear. I want to very enthusiastic and want to bring happiness in my presence.
It CANNOT involve art of living ways of doing things. It has to be my way, my creation of how I can bring happiness.

I am finding it very difficult to follow a set agenda on what to do and how to do. Some blocks come over and they choke me.   Don't question why. I don't have an answer.
I can't change an organization cultured by gurudev's way of doing things. I can't adopt them if I don't agree with them. Unfortunately organization would not let me know do things my way in their organization.

what are those principles?
a) Charge for the courses but amount discretion should be teacher's whether it is right or wrong per
     authority.
b)  Distinguish between growth of People vs Knowledge.
c)  Who is responsible for spiritual growth?

Have I grown?

It seems i have become calm. But in the moment of crisis, fear comes up.
I hesitate to share my opinions in public. Reluctant to voice my opinion. reluctant to share my enthusiasm. reluctant to take lead. I don't think knowledge can remove that reluctance.
It can best make you aware of reluctance through peacefulness.

I have become more intelligent. Intellectually intelligent. understand how emotions work, sensation work. But wiser have I become??

Wasted 10yrs of my life - i wish this question would never have come. I wish this curiousity would never have come.

Ultimate answer is there is no point for doing anything. Everybody is saying a lie and the louder it becomes, the real and truthful it sounds. They make money in return. Money buys you power, recognition and more power.


Where am i today?
- whatever I have become is not the state I want to be in and did not desire to be in. It is unenthusiastic, dull and miserable but calm.
- This path is sweet. People who lead are sweet. But there is no growth. You only understand things  better. that's all.
- I don't know why I want to give. It gives me joy. But world teaches you that you need to figure out a graceful way to get credit and recognition.. Important to being recognized. People listen to those who are recognized. Don't listen to those who mislead by saying - don't ask for recognition and serve.
Serve who. Serve how. they themselves could not have achieved without intending for recognition. Just look in their life and see what decisions they made and why they made. Success is sweet and power is perhaps sweeter.

- Every businessman is serving. every entrepreneur is serving. Yes money is the goal. That's the path of growth of doing bigger and better things.

- If I am not happy, how can i inspire others to be happy? Its difficult to be happy. Knowledge does not cut it. it;s like watching a comedy movie and it makes you laugh. You get in good spirits until next day.  Same thing with knowledge it pulls you out. But only for few hours. They say it's deep impression and it would go away. I am still waiting after 10yrs of my journey.


Again, Ultimate answer is there is no point for doing anything. Everybody is saying a lie and the louder it becomes, the real and truthful it sounds.

My conflict with my guru.

I am angry with him.  I am angry with him because his knowledge is not translating into reality for me in my life. Partly I, the mind, is not surrendering. But...

I, the mind, finds contradictions in art of living foundation and some of gurudev's teachings.

Preaching and implementation in his organization are contradictory.

If he cannot have it in his own organization, how can it become reality in world?

Preaching is impractical and is illusionary.

Selfless Service. We get to hear this a lot. When mind is miserable or you are in deep love, selfless service is the way to follow to becoming joyful. 

But when your mind is calmer, more centered then what you observe about organization and guru is not selfless service. It is just game of mind.

Foundation does not empower teachers. (none of activities in NYC is bottom up - everything is  directed towards organization courses and foundation activities). And everything is money oriented. There is a price for everything in organization except volunteer time. Whose growth? Organization's growth.

How should one develop own confidence in one's decision making if one is not allowed to make mistakes and not nurtured? how should one serve and develop one's own talents? Is it organization responsibility? No. But words of sweetness and use of cliches like we are family, belongingness make you feel that it was partly theirs. 

Gurudev says best volunteer does not ask for recognition. And when volunteer needs something(say a discount on course), he has to run pillar to post in this own organization - because no one knows he/she was working at backend. 

We say that this organization is a family. Only to make someone work for this organization and do seva. And 90% of seva is towards organizing courses. family?  

One gets recognition if you give to world something new(but is coming from you.). i am just a parrot of teachings. I have a manual and It's a script for me to deliver. They are wonderful yet they are not mine. it makes someone else powerful and gives recognition to someone else. not me. why I am important? because there is authority in this world. one has to follow authority. Who becomes authority => who makes other believe that they are important! All people in authority are important. They are treated differently than a normal volunteer. Walk like a servant and be a perfect servant is what volunteer is. Same senior teachers treat a guru with a different feeling than a volunteer with them. Guru is up and volunteer is down. Love is in the dustbin and only in words to make someone work for one's goals in art of living.

Gurudev left his own guru(maharishi) to start his organization. why Gurudev did not serve Maharishi all the life? Selfless service? Unconditional love for the guru?

I am unable to do that. I am struggling. that's my conflict. It has taken too long now. I have dropped everything - even the activity - because i don't understand. A clueless, confused soul is what i have become.

Conflict in mind, anger in heart and confusion in action is where I am at this moment.

Power and politics

I used to think that truth will prevail(so i never felt like taking responsibility leaving all on nature).
But that's not the case and I realize this today.

I am God and so are you. And you decide the direction of where this world and humanity will go.
Your influence, your power, your politics will take your intention and agenda forward.
Realize that you are energy.

And what is your agenda and intention? Best to be in the interests of people and betterment of this world. In one word - service. Serve the world in the best of your abilities.

I used to think politics is bad. To me, politics is creating the divide in mind - who is good and who is bad.
Politics is creating social divide - one is above the other.

Yet there is a need to create above/below => to manage the minds of people. It is deep rooted idea in mind right from birth => people need to follow who are above. So to be above, one has to create that skillfully.
Skillfully - where divide also remains yet love and comfort also do not diminish.
Love and authority coming together in some terms.

If there is no above, people will do whatever they want or direction of energy would not happen.

I used to think - so what if energy is not directed.  Let them do whatever they want.
Well if you do not, someone else will and in wrong direction. Wrong results will come out.

Mind seeks direction. There is desire in every heart and it keeps pulling towards a goal.
(knowing that desires cannot fulfill them and actually they are seeking love is ultimate knowledge. But people will guide and misguide them)

And you are one who needs to bind people together and take it further. People will automatically bind around you and you just need to be available and willing.