Being grateful - it needs to come out of your own willingness

In the last couple of days, small events made me realize to feel grateful. It made me feel at peace and become aware of complaining mind.

I have been given eyes, ears to listen and see. My body is working fine. I have loving parents.
I have very few friends but they are great. I have a guru.
.
I fight with him a lot (mentally). I challenge his knowledge and his wisdom in my mind. I want his words to be my experience and not just give me hope which will never realize.
It has been over 10yrs and when I look back, I feel that I have missed my years to live life fully.
I had been waiting in hope and all good things to happen but it's not to be.  My understanding got a jolt. I have to act and take responsibility else time will pass.
.
Spirituality does not necessarily imply something will change in me automatically. Willingness to change is necessary.

I fight with him. But he is in my thoughts most of the time.
- I asked for this help when I had a disorder. I feel he helped.
- I asked for his help whenever I had lot of fears in daily moments of life.  I think just remembering
   him gave me strength that he is with me and fears can pass.

I love you guruji. I guess I did not understand it. But I will make you feel proud of me. I want to take responsibility of my life and this world. Whatever you have given me, thank you. You did not need to. I started demanding from you and made you responsible for my state of mind.

Feeling grateful helped me coming out complaining mind.

I will write my thoughts everyday to be clear in my thoughts and feelings.

In 2012, I did TTC.  I enjoyed my time at TTC - in particular, i enjoyed doing seva. Being useful.
But i did not like anything about TTC sessions.

There was nothing to remember for me. Having faith on teacher was stressed quite a bit.

After 3 years, I am utterly confused in every aspect of my life.

why? I don't know.
If you ask me, what you like? I dont know.
If you ask me, what you want to do?  I don't know.
If you ask me, what will make you happy? I don't know.
If you tell me to do something, I will not feel confident.
If you tell me to be quickly respond, I will not be quick.
If you tell me to be part of organization and work for someone, I will resist.

This is after doing all the meditations.