My conflict with my guru.

I am angry with him.  I am angry with him because his knowledge is not translating into reality for me in my life. Partly I, the mind, is not surrendering. But...

I, the mind, finds contradictions in art of living foundation and some of gurudev's teachings.

Preaching and implementation in his organization are contradictory.

If he cannot have it in his own organization, how can it become reality in world?

Preaching is impractical and is illusionary.

Selfless Service. We get to hear this a lot. When mind is miserable or you are in deep love, selfless service is the way to follow to becoming joyful. 

But when your mind is calmer, more centered then what you observe about organization and guru is not selfless service. It is just game of mind.

Foundation does not empower teachers. (none of activities in NYC is bottom up - everything is  directed towards organization courses and foundation activities). And everything is money oriented. There is a price for everything in organization except volunteer time. Whose growth? Organization's growth.

How should one develop own confidence in one's decision making if one is not allowed to make mistakes and not nurtured? how should one serve and develop one's own talents? Is it organization responsibility? No. But words of sweetness and use of cliches like we are family, belongingness make you feel that it was partly theirs. 

Gurudev says best volunteer does not ask for recognition. And when volunteer needs something(say a discount on course), he has to run pillar to post in this own organization - because no one knows he/she was working at backend. 

We say that this organization is a family. Only to make someone work for this organization and do seva. And 90% of seva is towards organizing courses. family?  

One gets recognition if you give to world something new(but is coming from you.). i am just a parrot of teachings. I have a manual and It's a script for me to deliver. They are wonderful yet they are not mine. it makes someone else powerful and gives recognition to someone else. not me. why I am important? because there is authority in this world. one has to follow authority. Who becomes authority => who makes other believe that they are important! All people in authority are important. They are treated differently than a normal volunteer. Walk like a servant and be a perfect servant is what volunteer is. Same senior teachers treat a guru with a different feeling than a volunteer with them. Guru is up and volunteer is down. Love is in the dustbin and only in words to make someone work for one's goals in art of living.

Gurudev left his own guru(maharishi) to start his organization. why Gurudev did not serve Maharishi all the life? Selfless service? Unconditional love for the guru?

I am unable to do that. I am struggling. that's my conflict. It has taken too long now. I have dropped everything - even the activity - because i don't understand. A clueless, confused soul is what i have become.

Conflict in mind, anger in heart and confusion in action is where I am at this moment.